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Don't believe everything you think + rundown of what I struggled in depression

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This quote was shared with me today by my mentor. And it was a wake-up call for me.

Don't believe everything you think - Joseph Nguyen 

.    .    .    .    . 

In my 11th grade, I struggled a lot. My family had to shift back from Delhi because of our finances, and I was a late admission into a school in which I felt out of place. I was struggling to find a way to work towards my dream of going to study in the USA, but I knew that there was a strong possibility that it wouldn't happen because there wasn't enough financial support I had.

I was stuck in my head, most of the time, because I was trying to figure out which project I could build that would be my golden ticket abroad. But the problem was that my self-discovery was going into the realm of self-indulgence, where instead of trying new things and testing them out, I was indulging in stories and patterns from my past that I was trying to make sense of so I could have an insight into what I should do. This sucked me in and didn't allow me to fully be in the present. There was also another major factor that motivated this: Nothing in my life at that time was really interesting to me. And to find this, I was pushing myself more into overthinking the narratives I was telling myself.

Self-indulgence is when you're knee-deep in your own thoughts and narratives, in the hope of finding an insight that just isn't there.

Once I was past my dream of going abroad, the habit of overthinking stayed and the lack of interest in my real life motivated it.

Looking back now, I recognize how lost I was, which was also the reason why my circumstances impacted me a lot because I didn't have a self-anchor holding me stable. I also realize that it is natural to be unsure, to be dissatisfied in your journey of finding something that ignites a spark in you.

That is all that happened. No matter how much I question and ask myself 'Why was I so unhappy?', the simple answer is that I didn't have anything that engaged me. I used to love studying till 10th grade, but after that, studying didn't drive me and I spent most of my time, trying to force myself to find joy in it, when it simply wasn't there. The subjects interested me, but they weren't enough to consume all my attention. I so desperately wanted the engagement I had in my life before, and that desperation manifested unhealthy methods of coping such as forcing myself to study more than I had the energy for.

I didn't accept that I no longer had the same drive to be the topper of the class that I had before, simply because I had discovered that there were other things a student could do in their life except studying i.e. extracurriculars.

The reason I am telling this story is that sometimes, we spend time analyzing the past, reflecting on our life to the point that we distort what actually happened, in order to fit a narrative so that we can find some coherence in our lives. I was in search of answers, but I have realized that there are no absolute truths in life, only versions of our truth that we refine and redefine through our experiences. When I left my search for the absolute truth, I was much more open to letting my experiences inform a new perspective that could help make sense of the world.

.    .    .    .    .

I used to keep asking myself, 'Why was I so depressed?'

I wanted my suffering to make sense. I wanted it to be meaningful.

It is now when I have had to face some similar situations again equipped with more experience, that I know that there is no absolute answer to this question as well. It is a mix of internal and external situations that contributed to it. Mainly it was:

  • Shame for not being as accomplished as others
  • Lack of drive to work towards the goals people around me were working on
  • Lack of trust in my family members
  • Lack of genuine friends or people to connect to, who shared my beliefs and were open to growth
  • Piling up of resentment against my family
At the time, I thought certain situations triggered my depression. The tough situations didn't help, but it was the underlying emotions and beliefs that I was really struggling with.

Here are a few things that have helped me overcome this:

  • Accepting what has happened: I had difficulty accepting my reality because I thought that it meant I was succumbing to it. But I have now realized fighting against my reality only weakens me because I don't have concrete data points to find future direction.
  • Letting go of shame: In order to truly let go of the shame, I firstly had to accept my life and myself, in totality. The underlying shame prevented me from developing a healthy relationship with myself and fueled self-criticism.
  • Validating my emotions, instead of blaming myself
  • Gratitude for what I have
  • Accepting others and forgiving them: I had my set of expectations from people and even when they didn't fulfill them, I had a hard time accepting them which prevented me from letting go of my hurt.
  • Finding my community: I understand that I am not surrounded with like-minded people, which is why I have put an effort of finding an online community as well as virtual mentors to help guide me towards becoming my best self.

There are still times when I feel wronged or helpless, but through these mindsets, I have developed the courage to open up about my struggles within my community and it has helped me realize that I am not alone.
While my situation might be different from what others are facing, I am not alone.

Why am I talking about my depression right now? Because I want to let go of the narratives that I have been telling and retelling myself to make sense of it. Because I want to be free of my thought spirals, I want to write about everything that I have learned up till now. 
I was scared of letting go because I was afraid that if I lose sight of what troubled me so much, I would fall into the trap once again. But these past few months, I had to face similar situations but I had a different reaction, because I am a different person now. Not letting go of the hurt is preventing me from truly moving on and enjoying my life. 
Even if I face similar or harder challenges in the future, I am confident that I would have the courage to overcome and learn from them. This realization makes me confident that moving on, my life will go forward and not in circles.
Letting go of the burden of my past leaves me free to take my life as it is and open myself to new challenges and possibilities.


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