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Sweet sixteen: The gifts I have and the ones I will return

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(The first draft of this article was written on 26th August, 2021, my 16th birthday) Some poetry, 
Some prose.
As the day rolls on
The year goes by
In the blink of an eye.

Hazed by doubts and those loops of thoughts, the whirls of cries and laughter.The paths I have trodden on countless of times that the neurons in my brain have made the way, etching it on my brain. 
With the birthday come its blues as is tradition. Wondering about the year, the moments that no longer seem my own, flipping them in my brain, with a heavy heart that comes from witnessing a time that will no longer be. The lives I could have lived! If I would have carried on the impulsive haughty decisions.
 
A degree of change,
 in the nose of my plane
And I would have been a stranger
To this place.
The one I inhabit in my brain. 

Numerous projects begun and failed. All weigh heavy on my tiny fluttering heart. But I know the work is stored, in vaults of emerald, in piles of shine. Bedazzling to the conceited eye. 
One day I will open them 
And polish my stone
Until then I live my own. 
Unbothered by the past,
The gifts and mistakes 
Taking on life as it comes on.
There is a time for this.
There will be a time for that.
No reason to let the advancing arrow amiss.
No reason to not ruffle some feathers of the shafts
As I mount it on my bow.

1:40 am
At times, I love my life with an intensity that quietens the fluttering and fills it with warmth, swelling it with modest pride. The gossamer threads that pull at my gooseskin, ones that entrap my head and direct my heart.

11:57 pm 
The gifts I have
In the last few minutes of my birthday, I etch out my birthday wish in my story journal. Days before I fluttered around the house, asking for gifts. We are broke currently. My mother secretly passed me money, my dad gifted me two chocolates and an admission to a reputed school and my brother remembered to wish me as the clock struck twelve, not without the aid of my constant reminders. As I type out the sentence the clock strikes 00:00. I wonder if the magic is gone. But I for one know now that magic resides in these moments, the moments of peace and quiet when life knocks at your door and whispers a secret in your ear.
From my grandmother, I received the most gifts. A bouquet, a black forest cake (I am not sure if I have spelled it correctly) and stuffed potato patties. Little did I know that I was to receive the most special gift ever.
I woke up late today. My muscles relaxed after the exhaustion of attending early classes. My grandma called for me and presented me with the bouquet. 
After eating some breakfast, I cozied myself on the bed and plugged in to the browser, watching an old Bollywood movie that my family loved but I had never watched it.
I had sandwiches for lunch and dozed off reading the Alchemist, wondering what my life's dream is. I woke up to celebrate with my grandma. I went on a walk with my mom, talking about my obsession with engineering. Maybe somehow along the lines of that conversation while I was reminiscing over my past feelings, something was shifting inside me. 
It was when alone in the living room, I was solving Math problems, I realised that this is what I want to do. I plugged in my earphones, listening to the upbeat motivational songs, all the while wondering about what I had just felt. Pride. That was what was missing in all my endeavors. Pride for what I was doing. I was too scared to accept it as my goal. But when I imagined math, love came easy. I am ready to rid myself of the redundant jobs that I have been carrying and fulfilling imaginary expectations. 

It is hard letting things go when you have invested precious time. Time you can never get back. It requires strength. 

But if I have learned anything, it is that impulsiveness never leads to anything. Blotting what you have established is hard but also necessary if it stops you from moving forward.
God has given me the greatest gift of all. Clarity.

I will make all decisions by 30th August. I will be free by then.

I still feel scared by the weight of my dreams but I will not quit living it, loving it.
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