The stories we tell ourselves, how they fuel shame, and the impact they have
We are creatures of habit, and our thinking habits form mindsets. Our mindsets, more or less, dictate how we approach our life.
Lately, I have been exploring my mindsets and their impact on me. Earlier this year, I struggled with severe clinical depression, and taking a gap year to spend some time with myself has helped me explore the mindsets that brought me to this point.
And I realized something. The stories I told myself had the biggest impact on how I viewed myself, how I interacted with others, and the decisions I made.
In 2021, as the pandemic was raging, my family was struggling emotionally because of the financial setbacks we had faced. Amongst other problems, as mid-year approached I would wake up filled with anxiety that would get aggravated when I saw the date. You see, when the year started I had an intention of starting projects that I could include in my college application but months passed, and though I had come up with many different ideas (some ideas were quite good), my doubts and lack of guidance didn’t allow me to start making progress. Instead of accepting the situation and recognizing my mental blockers, I told myself a story.
A story of how I had wasted precious time, that I was too late, and that ‘others’ were ahead of me (‘others’ is a mythical figure of high schoolers smarter than me). And you know what this story did? It fueled that sinking feeling in your gut. It fueled shame.
We tell ourselves stories all the time
If you’re reading this post and think that you don’t tell yourselves any stories and are completely rational. Well, that is a story you are telling yourself.
I am not good enough. I didn’t have as much resources growing up. I wasn’t able to get into my dream college. I am not smart enough. And so on.
You can take a moment to pause and think about the story you tell yourself.
How do you pinpoint these stories?
Well, the first clue is that you repeat this to yourself quite often. Take a moment to pause: what are you telling yourself when you feel regret or shame? (You can test this with other emotions or specific circumstances. Such as ‘What do I tell myself when I feel insecure?’ You can do so with positive emotions too!)
For example, a story that I would tell myself would often start with ‘Why didn’t I do this? I wish I was more like him/her’, and then I would feel the sinking depth of shame. The story I was telling myself here is indirectly that because I was not able to do XYZ for XYZ reason, I am not good enough.
And stories breed stories.
This story can easily be extended like this: Because I am not good enough, I don’t deserve the opportunities I get. I don’t deserve the attention people give me. I am an impostor.
This story turns into a mindset, which you act upon. When I was in this mindset, I would retreat to my shell and silently compare myself with others. The longer you stay in hiding, the easier it is to stay there.
Stories breed shame and they define who we are and what we are capable of.
The impact of negative stories
Let’s go back to my example of building projects in 2021. What would have happened had I told myself a different story? One that didn’t hold my mistakes against me?
Let’s try to build an alternative story: ‘I admit that I haven’t been able to achieve as much progress as I would have wanted but I wonder why that might be. Firstly, I didn’t set up a deadline to decide on a project which dragged the process on. I think at this point I am thinking about the best project to build which is keeping me from making progress. I think making progress is more important to me than planning right now. But I am proud of having the courage to explore different ideas.’
How we tell our stories has an effect on the emotions we feel. If I had led my story with empathy, it would have fueled hope for the future. I would have felt a bit of sadness at not being able to achieve as much progress but would have avoided shame. As I would not be burdened with anxiety and shame, I would have been able to see why I didn’t make as much progress and take steps to avoid the same mistakes in the future.
So what actually happened in 2021 after that episode filled with anxiety? I had begrudgingly started my blog The Modern Fable after being frustrated with not having a shiny resume. I reckon the same thing would have happened with this newer story, only I would have been more enthusiastic and less resentful towards myself.
Stories have the power to create whirlpools that suck us in because they trigger our emotions. The story that I was late to building my portfolio stuck with me for a good part of the rest of the year, encouraging anxiety, low self-esteem, and a comparison mindset. The perfect ingredients for depression.
Even when I gave up trying to apply for US Colleges (for which I wanted to have a portfolio), this story that I didn’t know better than others, that I was late to the game stayed with me throughout 2022 which was my senior year. Because I had developed a comparison mindset, I was never satisfied with what I did, aligned my goals to gain external validation, and distanced myself from peers because I was in mental turmoil with myself half of the time.
Is this hard to talk about now? Definitely. It’s heartbreaking to know that I went through that.
So if it’s hard to talk about, then why am I talking about it?
Because I have been listening to Brene Brown’s TED Talks. What I have learned is this: Shame fosters in secrecy and being vulnerable allows us to break free of the cages we build around us. Empathy is the antidote to shame.
She says the most powerful words one person can say to another are, “Me too.”
Here is an excerpt from her interview with Roman Krznaric:
But if shame is such a burden, what are we supposed to do about it? The answer is developing ‘shame resilience’, and it is empathy that is the ‘real antidote to shame’. What does she mean? ‘If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.’
So we can’t really get over shame without other people. We can’t keep shutting it out by keeping ourselves busy (or distracted). We can’t wish it away by denying our feelings. What we really need to do is seek connection with someone who is going to lend us an empathic ear, someone who is able to listen to us and endeavour to understand our fears, anxieties and uncertainties.
The implication, as I see it, is that our emotional health requires socially positioning ourselves within a community of empathy. This is not to say that every friend we have has to be an empathic genius. But rather we should be wary of being without empathic support. If you drew a map of your social support network, how many people could really offer you the gift of deep empathy?
Of course, the flip side is that if we want people to display empathy towards us, this is most likely to happen when we display our vulnerability to them. Without exposing ourselves, making that human connection we need to combat shame is nearly impossible.
So if in the exercise I mentioned earlier to recognize stories you found stories that foster shame, talk about it. You can talk with a friend or family member who will listen and offer empathy. If you can’t do that, you can write an article and post it in a supportive online community!
The thing I have learned is that everybody fails, and everybody messes up. It’s when we label ourselves, because of our love for classification, that the problem arises.
There is a silver lining though. Stories can build hope and strength too!
Stories hold incredible power, and we can wield it to have a positive impact as well.
The stories you tell yourself can foster empathy towards yourself which can make you more compassionate towards others and develop positive relationships.
To change a lot of the stories I have, I write daily affirmations to help myself view myself differently.
- ‘I am proud of my journey.’
- ‘I accept myself wholeheartedly.’
- And so on…
Another practice that is immensely helpful is being grateful for what you have. Every day think of 3 things you are grateful about and you will begin to have a greater appreciation of your life.
Like any worthwhile task, working on your mindsets takes time, but is the best investment you will ever make!