I will be honest. I used to despise this blog.
Why, you might ask? Or, you might not but I will still answer as that is what this post is about.
I wrote this blog amidst the beginning of a dark time in my life, where I was in my head more often than not, trying to find ways to move on towards my definition of success. I was lost, anxiety-ridden, and filled with guilt over my perceived mistakes.
It was also a very isolating period in my life, where I was slowly uncovering my values but no one was there to discuss them with, to acknowledge my efforts, or to nudge me in the right direction.
I have since learned to be there for myself when no one else is, but it can still be quite isolating.
I was on a quest to do something great, but I was struggling to commit to something, anything. I eventually found a way to bring my ideas to reality through TKS, but that came way later in September 2022. Right now, we are talking about the latter half of 2021, when I had recently started this blog.
Why I started
I wanted to do something meaningful, something that I could put on my resume and gloat about it. I was both trying to satisfy my urge to be closer to my definition of success, while still holding what other people thought success meant. My inexperience and consequent ignorance meant that I was easily swayed but almost always, dissatisfied. And at that time, literature was my biggest source of deriving meaning from the rampant meaninglessness present in all our lives. So, after meticulously planning and re-planning what my amazing blog would be, in a moment of frustration with the piling suspense of what my blog should be about, I started The Modern Fable, which was about Literature and my thoughts.
I guess.
Do I sound unsure right now? That's because I am and I definitely was then, when I had so many ideas on what to write about that I struggled with labeling it. And writer's advice on the vast internet said to make your blog about a niche. It has been a lifelong struggle of mine to find labels to associate myself with and since then, I have learned that you do need to start working on something and somewhere along the way, you will find something you are genuinely passionate about and can devote all your time and energy (not all, but a lot). You don't figure out your passion by thinking about it.
But these have been hard lessons to learn and it shows me far I have come.
Why I hated this blog
Because it wasn't great. I expected myself to commit to something and ultimately discover my passion, but I guess when I finally started something, it wasn't glamorous at all. It was just an okay-looking site on an old blogging app called Blogger.
But I eventually started to write about analyzing literature and what I learned from it and my personal observations from daily life. I felt a bit of imposter syndrome while writing articles because I did not think I was credible enough to give my opinions. I also was not very present in the moment while writing them. And now I know why. I was writing to get somewhere. Like how you flip through the pages of a book in the hope of getting to the end faster.
I wasn't very careful with the editing, because when you don't enjoy the process, you cannot care less about refining your work. I also failed to see the subtle beauty in what I wrote.
I was so keen on getting answers and so scared of uncertainty, that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. I still don't have all the answers, but through TKS, I have interacted with people from diverse backgrounds and worked on a lot of different projects. Because of the support, I have come to accept the uncertainty that comes with finding or even building your own path. When I started out, trying to find my own way, I didn't have anyone that I resonated with around me, I found myself fighting. Fighting against myself and even others, in an attempt to reach someplace I was better suited for. What that place was, I was not sure. I still am not, but I have certain directions that I think might be interesting to explore.
Since I finally stopped doing things to impress admission officers, I started writing for myself. Even in 2021, I used to write in journals but that was always to find some answers. But sometimes, it was just to give myself space to look through my thoughts, one by one.
In 2022, I posted on this blog here and there, some of my short stories that I wrote and some of the work I did in my Literature class that nobody paid attention to, even in school. (Well, my teacher did. Maybe that's why I liked her). But I still didn't like this blog that much, because it represented a time where I struggled but didn't seem to get anywhere (I think a better term for it is an existential crisis). I never really owned blogging because I was not proud of the articles I had written. But the disdain I had for my own work prevented me from engaging with it. I used to write and then push it aside. Now, I can spot shame when I see it but then, I couldn't.
What happened in the meanwhile
To clarify, meanwhile means the time from the end of 2021 till now (i.e. mid-2023).
I used to write mostly in journals to make sense of what was happening and what had happened.
Well, a lot happened. I survived clinical depression and a suicidal phase, joined TKS to build projects with futuristic technologies, met a lot of amazing people throughout the program, and passed out high school with good grades (surprisingly). All of this kind of happened simultaneously, believe it or not.
On an emotional level, in my gap year, I did a lot of work on myself (This kind of happened out of necessity. I didn't work on myself because I should have but because not working on myself was proving to be catastrophic). I worked through the resentment and shame I had against myself and my shortcomings, the shame I had about my life's circumstances, and repaired my crippling self-esteem.
What I am still working on: to stop dwelling in the past in search of answers as to why I was depressed and why I struggled in school despite being moderately smart, to stop blaming myself and others for my circumstances, the resentment I have against my father for not fulfilling my expectations, to practice boundaries with toxic people and to accept myself and my past.
If you're curious about how I am working on these, I basically talked to the people around me who knew me and highlighted the thought patterns that kept me behind. My mom and I came up with a list of affirmations that could combat these mindsets and I write these as consistently as I can.
How I feel right now
I have come to accept myself as I am. Driven, passionate, introspective but also inconsistent (at times), emotionally attached to work, and a bit idealistic (sometimes a lot).
I have dealt with what it feels like to have your self-image shatter when you no longer enjoy the same comfortable position in society. (For context, I was the topper up till 10th grade and thought of myself as committed and hard-working but after that when I couldn't decide my career path and was lost within the world and couldn't recognize myself, I couldn't focus on anything and my self-esteem suffered greatly).
But along the way, I have come to love myself, even the past versions that were lost. In fact, I have so much empathy and compassion for the girl who was struggling.
And that is why, despite everything, I have come to love this blog too.
Yes, I know that the posts have been inconsistent and some of them are quite off-topic. But it is mine.
And for the first time in my entire life, I am writing for myself.
There were times when I was so numb that I didn't write for an audience, but I didn't explicitly write for myself either.
When I started writing (although inconsistently) at the age of 12, I wanted to publish a book. I was already writing for someone else, that mythical audience that used to judge and mock me and ultimately take away my peace. There were times when I hated writing itself. It was boring and nobody seemed to care about what I had to say.
But writing, true writing, is always written to satisfy one's urge to say the words and tell the story. It doesn't depend on the mercy of the reader but on the courage of the writer, to be vulnerable and be themselves, without shame.
Writing for myself will also break away from the cycle of constant validation that I find myself in, and in the age of social media, the hope of another like, another comment never ceases. It brings me to a point where I don't know if I am working because I want to, or because everyone else does. People-pleasing has also created resentment in my life which I seek to overcome.
This isn't some quest to find greater meaning in life. I have come to a point in my life where I can find it in my daily life. But rather, it is to express myself, boldly.
It is my gift to myself.
I seek to change the narrative. To change how I regard myself, my past and the people around me. I want to get to know myself better. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.
At this point, I don't have consistent readers, so this blog is a perfect place to start.
And so begins, my very own Modern Fable!