I look back and think how naive I was. I was waiting for schools to open and blissfully waiting. The next year came and the situation still seemed bleak. It was then I realized that I cannot wait for things to go offline.
My final exams of a grade that was spent online got cancelled and I was free by mid April.
I was so fickle minded when it came to which college degree I wanted to have. All I knew was I wanted to study abroad. My junior year school admissions were postponed too. For a while I was happy about being cut off from the tethers of board exams. But satisfaction does not stay for long in my mind. When May came I was frantic about my extracurriculars. I was so desperate for any opportunity. This was supposed to be my year. Seeing videos of how American kids had resumes full of achievements did not help. I once saw a video about a girl who got admission in Brown University and she used to be stressed all the time in high school. It was from there I encouraged the idea that I have to be stressed in order to do work. If I am not stressed enough, I do not care about my work and will fail.
It was just a thought but it's repercussions ripped through the fabric of my life.
: Not completing my projects
This is directly related to having a weak sense of faith and self esteem. But on the outside, I was labeled as just a 'Dreamer' or 'Incapable'. I put in so much effort in ideas yet they never came to life because I was not doing it for the right reasons. Everything I thought was around how to be a better applicant. Starting an NGO, a speech training program empowering women, a letter writing organization and writing a novel. These were ideas I had. Some I started working on and some remained as ideas. I was not lazy but overstimulated.
What I did not realize was that each incomplete or abandoned project was burdening me. Bit by bit, taking away my faith in my abilities. I did not comprehend its importance until it was gone. Until I hit rock bottom and could not get myself out of it, out of the deep dark hole that I had buried myself. Abandoned projects take away your self-esteem. How will you face challenges if you don't even like yourself?
I started with a clean slate, my mind was burdened with past failures and every time was harder than the previous. This developed into anxiety as time passed. Every morning I would wake up and dread the advanced date. 'Oh my god! It's August already.' I hated the sight of a calendar.
:Biting off more than I could chew
I think we all are guilty of doing this at some point of our high school journey. But being late to the game meant that I had to learn my lessons quickly and bounce back. Which I did not. Rather it was stretching towards the goal.
:Loathing myself
I started to make decisions out of fear. I was no longer happy with myself. My personality molded around anxiety of not being able to accomplish something I was not even aware of in the past. Every moment was a race. I tried so many things at home: drawing, sculpting and painting. I looked at my mistakes of wasted time and potential, of not being able to complete or do what I had wanted and a paralyzing guilt took hold of me. These are the things that make or break an application. I was unable to think straight. It feels horrible when you think, "Oh my God! What have I done?"
But blaming oneself entirely is a narrow point of view. I realized that there are a lot of variables that go into achieving a certain result. If I blame myself entirely for my ignorance or impulsiveness, I am not treating the cause. This type of thinking does not take away my responsibility but surprisingly gives it back to me when I can stop blaming myself for things I am not responsible for. Things like the pandemic, my little knowledge of digital marketing.....
Ignorance is not my personal trait. It is not something I should be ashamed of. Rather a consequence of my environment.
Being an absolute control freak stems from the fear of lack of control. Growing up in a family with unstable finances made me bear the consequences I was not responsible for. This instilled a belief that in my academic sphere, I have to be the one that controls everything. Every failure or bad decision added to my misery. But acknowledging my fears and the reason behind them instantly widens my perspective to look carefully at my environment and get out of my head. It helps to regulate the feeling of being trapped inside your thoughts.
:Being too skeptical
The main reason for abandoning my projects was that the moment I started them I would start analyzing the results too quickly. The reason for my incompetence was that I was horrible to myself and would stop the projects to escape the self sabotage. I was running away from my own self. I was not afraid of the work. In fact, at times I loved it. But I could not stand the negativity I was in. The constant questioning and doubts drain your energy. Nothing was enough for me and that has led me to pass up on opportunities I might have created.
Being ignorant of your good qualities is not a sign of humbleness. Rather self destructive behaviour.
Yet when I saw the stressed people working in top universities, I thought that was the norm.
: Losing my originality
When I would see the achieving students, initially I admired them. But when my aspirations wanted to be among them too, thus started the vicious cycle of comparison and shame of my lack of opportunities. I kept searching for the "right thing" to do for the Ivy Leagues yet now that I have finally settled in my niche, I realized that it was always related to something inherent within me. Writing stories is something I have always done. But when I searched for extracurriculars, I looked for smart activities like coding or engineering.
I even looked for the right way to manage time and studies. It may appear wise on outside but on the inside, felt like a cage. I ignored my personal needs and learning methods. I forgot that in the end, I was doing this for myself.
I was slowly losing my ability to solve problems.
I had molded my life around acing at extracurriculars and when I was not getting results, it took its toll on my mental health.
Our brain is very good at comparing and relating data. And I had tied up my self esteem to my ability to do work.
: Not having faith
I never congratulated myself on small achievements. Failures do not seem like much when faced individually. I brushed them off but they started to pile up and burdened my drive.
: Running away from my problems
It is hard to face mistakes when you are always trying to sweep it under the rug. As a way to move on quickly, I would start anew with a different field completely rather than analysing where I went wrong. It is hard to stand your ground for yourself when everything else takes a turn for the worse. Change is hard.
Especially in the pandemic where in some days you can barely get off the bed, it is hard to maintain a schedule. But when you're unaware of your time, how will you utilize it? And after a while, you have no idea where you are and how you ended up here. That is a big loss of a journey that might have been memorable. Some nights I get paralyzed by anxiety because of my mistakes and inability to manage different things. As an Indian student, I was taught to be utterly focused on my studies. It was challenging to adjust to the American system.
But as painful as it was, I would not trade away what I have learned. I have learned about resilience and a lot about myself.
Writing about my failures is the most difficult thing I have done. My instinct to run away from inconsistencies cropped up at times but I made myself sit and write this article, as a way to reach out to the student community. I have a hunch I am not alone.
Please do share in the comments about your journey through high school. You might just give hope to a student about to give up.